Tweets of ill repute

Good morning, social media fans, and welcome back to opensource happyland.

WTF! Blocked! By local television scribe and online diarist Denis McGrath! It’s a heywriterblock! It’s an outrage! What did I ever do to him?

Come to think of it, he’s been distant ever since we made fun of his weight. And baldness. And criticized his writing for relying on quantity and cheap sentiment rather than quality and genuine emotions. But that was all in jest. Surely he didn’t take us seriously?

And it’s true that Tea Makers operatives infiltrated the comments on his website. But their only crime was in disagreeing with Denis. His usual solution to quieting dissent is to have the last word and then close comments. Or delete them outright. Chairman Mao style.

No matter. It’s his blog. He can do what he wants. To be frank we have more pressing matters to deal with here.

Twitter is great for mainlining populist rage. But for nuanced reportage, society relies on the impartiality of the professionally trained mainstream media. It would be anarchy without it.

At least Global has the class to replace “EPIC DOUCHE” with “@#$%.” That’s professionalism right there, kids.

Enzo does some kind of radio journalism for 102.1 The Edge and from the look of his photo he should be able to recognize a tool when he sees one.

The CBC likes to remind us that the interview has generated thousands of comments on the Q blog. Just think! If each of those comments were one dollar we would have thousands of dollars!

But regular readers of blog comments know that not all comments are worth a dollar. And most of the comments on the Q blog can be summed up by: “LOL BILLY BOB THORNTON, EPIC DOUCHE.”
Frankly, it’s a little embarassing. Let’s move on.

God bless Tiffany Burns at CBC Edmonton. She knows she should be on Twitter. She’s not sure why, or what she should be doing there. Tiffany honey, don’t feel bad. No one knows.

But most of the Twitter people are using computers. They can go to YouTube and watch the replay whenever they want. They don’t have to wait until 6pm anymore.

It’s fucked up, I know.

While it’s true that no one really knows what they are doing, some know less than others. The Blogging Tories decided to put a hot tweet front and center of their web page at all times.

At least, I think that’s what this is. The tweet is so arcane, archeologists in the future will write volumes trying to figure out what they are trying to convey here. In many ways, this screen grab sums up what’s wrong with the whole party. Which would be laughable, if only they weren’t running the country.

Here’s another use of twitter. drewmack is from out of town. He went to some kind of nerd conference. There was a party afterwards at a bar. They gave him some booze tickets at the door.

I don’t want to live in a world in which no one can operate free booze tickets without consulting their iphone. And god forbid you ask someone next to you. And what if it’s a girl? drewmack should be blowing all the money he made doing SEO in Moncton on Brazilian girls in the Zanzibar instead of spending it on people who talk about Facebook all day.

But I digress.

Did you hear that, everyone? Matt Hartley from The Globe and Motherfucking Mail has told us to get over it and move on. Preferably by reading his Technology column in the newspaper where he’ll show you how to use booze tickets with your iphone!

Not a chance, Matt Hartley. We’re just getting started.

Christina, this is the big hope, isn’t it? International media attention. The most viral video of the week. This is the watercooler stuff that the CBC has been dreaming of for the last 3 years. Far from being Jian’s “hardest interview” he was no doubt cheering politely and internally as soon as the first barb was thrown.

Because the person who’s gaining the most from all this is Jian Ghomeshi.

Pure poetry, Aaron.

Because in the end, that’s all that matters. And no one can violate the sanctity of the artist. Not me, not Jian Ghomeshi, not Leslie Roberts from Global TV, not the Conservative party. Not Denis McGrath. Not Matt Hartley.

Not nobody, you asshole.

Apologies to today’s other, and much funnier, Anonymous tweet reporter


  1. Vigilante
    Posted April 13, 2009 at 2:42 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Just as I suspected. Thank you, Anon 1:28, you sexy beast.

  2. Anonymous
    Posted April 12, 2009 at 11:28 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece
  3. Vigilante
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 7:41 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    @ 9:30…

    Who? All of ’em? Or just me?

    Retardation is also subjective, man. Depends on who, what and where.

    You’re going to have to be way more specific.


  4. Anonymous
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 7:30 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Wow. You guys are retarded.

  5. Vigilante
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 6:25 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    You know…well, you don’t know. But I’m about to tell you…

    (True story to follow. No shit, ‘n all that)

    When I was fourteen, many moons ago, I spent a month with a wonderful lady in Iberia. She had elephantitis in her lower limbs. She was the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. To this day I have no idea why. She was morbidly obese. She had terrible gout in her feet and couldn’t walk.

    She took in stray animals. Cats and dogs, upwards of seventy five in total. And she had been schooled in America, she said. Boston. They loved her in America.

    I love her still.

    She was MASSIVE. Incredibly so by North American Standards. Far beyond what you would call morbidly obese.

    She called me skinny. I called her fluffy. She laughed. I grew it all myself, she said. Are you not impressed? This…this extra flesh…where I come from this is a sign of incredible wealth. Of status! I grew this! I grew this MYSELF!

    She was proud of herself.


    “Fat” is subjective.

    Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

    Baldness, on the other hand…

  6. Anonymous
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 12:48 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Belt 38 inches, height 5’6″
    Weight hovers around 220-230 pounds.

    On the BMI scale is obese, but not morbidly so.

  7. Vigilante
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 6:58 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Oh, yeah…

    I was going to ask…Has it become a requirement of the job for every CBC employee to have a Twitter account? It just seems that everyone suddenly does. Like Tiffany up there. Is it like, a marketing thing? Or what?

    Seems to be. There’s this one guy, half his Twits are tagged words. Like he’s desperate to be found.

    Working on tonight's ep of #thehour. Margaret Atwood & Peter Singer. Gonna be a cool show. #authors #economy #animal-rights #animal_rights

    (Desperation. Now available in two methods of word seperation! Get yours today!)

    Yeah, maybe it’s just coincidence. Doesn’t it seem odd to anyone else that every personality (at the CBC and elsewhere) suddenly seems to be Twittering up a storm?

  8. Vigilante
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 6:34 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Meh, I don’t think he’s that fat. Fluffy, maybe. But not fat.

    Not humungously so, anyways.

    He ain’t teetering towards One-Tonne Lane…

    (Dammit. Now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say. And why am I defending Denis?)

    Sure. He’s huge.

  9. Anonymous
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 3:43 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Does anyone know how much DMC weighs?
    I’ll bet it’s a lot.

    Maybe he wouldn’t look as fat if he wore a piece.

  10. Anonymous
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 1:20 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    and then there is ” Social Media Strategist, Broadcaster, Author, and Keynote Speaker”
    317 Following 2,420 Followers 3,092updates

    and at

    [ Image : Padlock_large ]
    This person has protected their updates.

  11. Vigilante
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 11:24 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Hmmm. Well, it’s not a very effective “fuck you”, is it? Especially when you can log out and see what he’s written.

    That’s more like a half-assed “I want to say fuck you but I’m too bald and lazy to do it properly” fuck you. Too bad he won’t talk to me, I could teach him a thing or two.

    I could be his “Fuck You Muse”.

  12. Anonymous
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 11:03 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Vigilante –

    You can see the Twits because he’s blocking the @teamakers account. In fact, if I log out, I can read them too. I suspect it’s more of a “fuck you” than a foolproof blocking system.

  13. Vigilante
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 9:40 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Get rid of Allan? Why?

    I’m enjoying the knicker-twisting. He gets you guys so worked up…reading the comments on Allan’s posts is incredibly entertaining. But only because I know he’s tweaking you guys because you’re all so gosh darned tweakable.

    (Oops, I think I may have outed him)

    Back to the post at hand…Anonymous dahling, if that screen cap is to be believed then why am I able to see DMcG’s Twits? I’m not his friend. If his cranial farts are only supposed to be viewed by his friends, why hasn’t he made his page private?

    Perhaps he’s only blocking the entire TwitterUniverse one person at a time?

    Perhaps I should help him out with that?

    “Hey, Bald Boy! Betcha can’t block me!”

    What the Hell is a Follow Friday? Is that something like mass fellation?

  14. Anonymous
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 8:58 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    These tweet reviews are hilarious.

    Is there some way to read this blog without it involving having to read Allan though?

    I’m not saying that he’s an uninformed idiot with inane opinions, no, no, not at all – I guess I’m thinking more that he is so good at what he does, however you personally want to define or describe what he does, that he deserves his own special spotlight. And I don’t mean “special” as in needs. No, not at all. I’m not implying that at all.

    What I’m thinking, and I’m just blue-skying here, is that Allan could have his own spin-off blog, preferably not written at all, but shouted incoherently from the corner of Bathurst and Bloor.

    Yeah, I guess what I’m really describing is an Allan podcast that’s not recorded and can only be heard by people within earshot. And, actually, instead of Bathurst and Bloor, he “broadcast” it in his living room to his cat. Or cats. I’m guessing, like, 32 of them.

    I think that’s a good expansion opportunity for Teamakers. Think about it. Free advice!

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