Fake Ouimet here signing off for the year

Not forever, just the year.

Aaand how was your oh-eight? Mine was lousy. But the Corpse? The Corpse’s year was pretty much “the same.” It was “the new normal” post-lockout.

Shutting the place down

The Tories are in power but are not in quite enough power to do what they really want to do to the Corpse, i.e., turn it into one.

Right-wing assholes continue to equate “the CBC” with CBC Television, and they wonder why it’s “worth” more than “a billion dollars” of “taxpayer money.”

They keep getting the facts wrong, but we can chalk that up to right-wing assholes’ Orwellian impulse to redefine terminology or coin new terminology as a talking point (cf. “special rights”).

What does CBC Television mean?

Even I do not understand what CBC Television is trying to be or do. I don’t see what Global and CTV are doing, either. But culturally, the only thing we can talk about with the Privates is their reliance on rebroadcasting American programming. The discourse around CBC Television is “What the hell does a general-interest TV network mean anymore?” That is actually the same question that should be applied to CTV and Global – but never is.

This year I realized I do not know, at all, what a general-interest network should be doing anymore. I don’t know what CBC Television should be doing. More amateur sports? Fewer episodes of Wheel of Fortune? More CanCon? More from “the regions”? Those are all traditional left-wing-elitist talking points. There’s something to talk about in every point, but they miss the forest for the trees.


The obvious solution is to steal from the British and split up CBC into CBCs 1 through 4. What queers that argument is lack of money. Seriously: That billion dollars runs multiple TV and radio networks and a set of Web sites. There isn’t the money for that kind of cell division.

The idea I’ve been liking more, though I didn’t get a chance to talk about it before shitcanning myself from this blog, is to model CBC along ABC and SBS in Australia. In gross but accurate terms, ABC is the populist public broadcaster and SBS is the elitist public broadcaster. Neither of those descriptions is an oxymoron. The public is actually several publics.

CBC could almost achieve that kind of split today. “Classic” CBC Television becomes the populist channel, Bold the elitist channel. Throw in Documentary and CBC Sports Plus and you’ve got a well-rounded portfolio.

A big difference between us and Oz is the fact that CBC TV still broadcasts over the airwaves while the other channels are diginets. Maybe that is a distinction without a difference anymore.

HNIC anthem was a boondoggle

I’m sorry, but I don’t see any persuasive argument in favour of the way CBC handled the Hockey Night in Canada anthem incident. Nothing on the CBC side seems even basically in the ballpark of factual accuracy. Of course I’ve been plied with double espresso by the other side so obviously I’m biased, but listen, I · have · read · everything about this case. Everything, including original transcripts.

So let me assure you the Corpse blew it. They weren’t exactly lying most of the time, but their arguments were bullshit from stem to stern.

There’s an upside: Now when Ivan Fecan comes begging to the CRTC for looser CanCon regulations or whatever, we can come back with “You wouldn’t be so poor if you hadn’t bought CHUM… and the Olympics… and a hockey song.”

Radio 2’s numbers

Radio 2 could be doing just fine. We’ll never know, because the intended audience isn’t counted by the ratings system. This same thing happened to jPod.

Can we get our balls back, please?

When you hire a girlygirl to program your network, even with two years’ worth of shows in the pipeline the day she sashays into her office, it should come as no surprise that the resulting programs appeal to – whom? Administrative assistants? Somebody needs to tell Kirstine she isn’t programming for the Life Network anymore.

  • Being Erica. Sophie. Wild Roses. MVP. The Week the Women Went. Even homosexualists don’t want to watch those. They’re for young, independent, free-spirited, self-reliant women who play second fiddle to no man. And fat girls.

  • The Border (“a crock” – jDoyle). All right, I suppose straight guys might like it. I’ve certainly evolved my opinion of Graham Abbey from “girls think he’s attractive” to “in person, he’s probably the most stunning man in the country.” That’s my evolution thus far.

    You may not believe this, but I never knocked the show for having Fatboy write it, or let that fact influence me. Though now that I think of it, Abbey has that generic-handsome look the guy in Charlie Jade had. I don’t buy the stubble, either.

    Giant black dude Jim Codrington should be a reason to watch the show but isn’t. Sorry.

  • JPod. Asexualist millennials watched this? I dunno.

I’m saying CBC Television’s fiction lineup leans too heavily toward liberal-feminist/urban/feminized/effete. I’m saying that such is red meat thrown to right-wing-asshole dogs. Trust the homosexualist veganist. I should know.

Late-night movies suck

They aren’t even trying. You can’t find a listing on the Web site for individual titles. The choices are atrocious, particularly for the Thursday CanCon ghetto, which could be showing every single picture that ever ran for two weeks at the Carlton. The British stuff is second-rate on a good day.

The net nerds are doing what they can

I want the BBC iPlayer over here, too. I have a list of bookmarks of BBC blog postings about dozen features, and half a dozen pieces of infrastructure, that the BBC iPlayer has that we don’t. (Example of the latter: An entire photo desk just for iPlayer stills!)

But we don’t have the money.

The net nerds are doing what they can. I’m not going to go out of my way to knock it. The news side is reasonably well handled. I want a lot less Flash, though – ideally none.

I’m still a fan of George

Strombo is an original character, smart, charming, aging well, a motormouth. I’m a fan. I’m still a fan. He’s tremendous.

His show, however, is a parody of any number of things, including itself. Even an ABC-style populist CBC Television doesn’t need a celebrity-interview showcase.

I like Wheel of Fortune

There. I said it.

One down, one to go

Air Farce finally died of old age. Now whom do I have to blow to get gumtoothed Rick Mercer off the air?


  1. Dwight Williams
    Posted January 4, 2009 at 8:22 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    It is so weird seeing that montage on the new titles. Archival footage mixed with 3D CGI animation that way…and the music!

    Bagpipes are for curling coverage, dammit!

  2. Alternative Girlfriend
    Posted December 23, 2008 at 3:05 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    – “JPod. Asexualist millennials watched this? I dunno.”

    First, it’s jPod, and smart, young people from all over the world, not just Canada, are STILL pissed that this show was cancelled by the CBC.

    We kicked up a fuss, we wrote in by snail mail and e-mail, phoned in, begged and pleaded with The Mothercorpse to keep this phenominal Vancouver-based show, even “Posted for the Pod” but Layfield in all her bitchiness (Yes, I said it) refused to listen that we actually really loved this show! The cruelest part being that the Final Episode was a Cliffhanger.

    Daegan Fryklind, Leo Winner, for Best Screenwriting of jPod’s Last Shot episode, posted a kind comment about jPod fans on Denis McGrath’s blog:

    “If people want to rally for Canadian TV, let them eat cake. I know you’ve pointed to your rules of engagement, and have shaken a finger at the jPod fans — no, no, don’t do it that way, don’t alienate the CBC by telling them they’re stupid — of course this makes sense from the outside, but when you’re a fan of a cancelled show in full stage 2 kubler-ross anger, some words are bound to get thrown.

    Of course it’d be best of all if the fans in the world fought a fair fight (say that five times fast), but the fact that they’re fighting at all for Canadian shows is heartening. Bless them for that. Bless any fan who fights to keep their favourite show on the air, who demands to see more. Yes, we never got the numbers we needed. But we got a consistent fanbase who came every Friday night.

    We mattered to some people. And that matters to us, and in the end, that should matter to anyone who works in or is a fan of Canadian TV. Heaven help the system if we produce shows that don’t raise a cry when they’re cancelled.”

    Here, watch this, you’ll see what I’m talking about, a great video about the jPod campaign and interviews Canadian Talent David Kopp and Torrance Coombs

    And I’ll say this again, when the over 55 age group that the CBC continually tries to appease is gone, us young ‘uns will not be there for drivel like Sophie. That show offends me deeply. “Oh my goodness, my boyfriend left me, but it couldn’t possibly be because I’m a Whiny Whore!”

    Is it wrong that I actually get a little “I told you so!” when I read that Sophie is tanking? Pulling in only 280,000 on the BBM NMR data for the week of Nov. 10-16th, 2008.

    – I agree you on the Hockey Theme Song Boondoggle, and like you, I have also read everything, and the CBC just keeps spinning it, and publishing only the view they want you to see.

    And if you watch HNiC, you know that they open with that “SATURDAY!” song, and slip in the new theme a little later… I get confused though because it sounds like I’m about to watch a rerun of Dallas.

  3. Aigle
    Posted December 23, 2008 at 1:32 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Oh!…Oh!. I forgot one for radio.

    Sunday afternoon at the Opera. Music by Various CanCon artists and libretto taken by culling the flamier passages in the comments sections.

    Possible titles.

    “Der Ringtones-not-covered-in-the-HNIC-theme-agreement des Nibelungen”

    “Le Nozze de CBC Left-wing-media-bias”

    “Heather Malik Butterfly”

    “HMS Underfunded”


    “Pork Barrel and Bess”

    “The Beggar’s special interest group”

    “Harper fan tutti”

    “Götterdämmit…I’m a taxpayer and I pay for this crap?”

  4. Anonymous
    Posted December 23, 2008 at 1:06 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    LaFlaque will do a great Dec 31 year end show, better than “Bye-bye”

    Anyway, much of this is going to happen as LaFrance takes over English CBC as well as French CBC and the TBC becomes a regional station with the new Montreal palace become the national studios.

  5. Fake Ouimet
    Posted December 23, 2008 at 11:02 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Cornelius, this isn’t a game of horseshoes. If I might quote a giant of Canadian drama, Zo’or, I will be the last Taelon standing.

  6. Aigle
    Posted December 23, 2008 at 8:33 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Dear Satan^H^H^H^H^HSanta

    Here is my Holiday wish-list for CBC ETV programming…(note that it can all be done in-house and at minimal cost)

    I think ETV could learn a lot from Radio-Canada .One show I like it Laflaque (think “The Gary Sandling Show” meets “Spitting Image”).

    Face it. Mercer needs puppets….Ugly puppets.

    We can even have an ugly puppet back story but skinny dipping clips may be difficult unless we have a really cool puppeteer.

    Mansbridge’s “At issue”:
    At the end of each segment (which I love BTW) they can do a politician “What Not to Wear/Celebrity Makeover”…the next week’s Harris/Decima Poll results can determine the winner.

    …If it’s a slow week, they can always update Rex Murphy’s look as a challenge.

    Phone-in shows:
    We need some narrow-minded guy with Tourette’s to host a phones…hard to find since All the American ones are already employed and Duffy is now a Senator.

    Which brings me to…..

    “Senator Survival:Rankin Inlet”…I mean,would we even miss them? Rankin Inlet may get pissed, though, when they red carpet the permafrost.

    Game Shows:
    Two words…”bilingual password”.
    With Japanese style challenges should you revert into your native language.

    Another show…as long as it’s called “Helmet-Head”

    …“So You Think You Can Curl”…Ahhhh, curling…Canada’s guilty little secret pleasure.

    Children’s TV:
    No humour here…bring back “Chez Helene”…hell, just re-air it if tapes were ever made.Bring back Dressup, Butternut square, Friendly Giant….Those shows were impeccable and are still some of the best of their genre.

    Variety/talk shows:
    And again with the French guys. “Tout le monde en parle”is a Radio-Canada Guest/panel talk show with liquor. All ages watch it. I even enjoy it and I do not speak French.

    Re-tool Stombo. Find other hosts for a West, Maritime and Northern panel and do it all at once on split screen or whatever.

    The west can drink Kokanee, Maritime-Keiths, The North-something godawfully expensive to ship in and the Strombo panel-something trendy and willing to pay for Product placement.

    Think of the dramatic tension that could happen by getting all the regions a little tanked at the same time while trying to interview Shania, Rush and Stockwell Day all at the same time.

    Election Coverage:
    Graphics seem to always be the issue. We may not have enough time before the next so may I make the following Suggestions. Instead of stressing over Chyron, Vizrt etc. Let’s take a page from BBC’s “swingometer” or CNN’s (ahem)…”holograms”.

    Let’s use mimes.
    (Or those black-light-artist-guys who hate being called mimes.)

    The can hold up pictures, cards with numbers, bars,triangular pie sections…can point to maps (can we get Claire Martin to embrace mummery?)

    They are quiet so they shouldn’t distract the pundits…and they already have the black outfit.

    Or in true CBC-fashion:
    Let’s use CGI-generated mimes.
    (Or CGI versions of thoseblack-light-artist-guys who hate being called mimes.)

    I also want Sock-puppet in the street interviews.

    And the Magic Board should talk.

    …and make it snappy.

  7. Yukon Cornelius
    Posted December 23, 2008 at 8:26 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Wow, Fake Ouimet actually gets comments on something he wrote! There truly must be a Santa.

    Oh, wait. The comment doesn’t have anything to do with what F.O. wrote about, just about his presence on the blog.

    For the last time… biggest lowlight of 2008, Fake Ouimet nearly runs Teamakers into the ground!

  8. Fake Ouimet
    Posted December 22, 2008 at 3:37 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Been there, Anonymoose. Done that.

    See you in ’09.

  9. Anonymous
    Posted December 22, 2008 at 3:03 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Quite frankly Fake Ouimet, it’s time for you to go too!

    There, I said it.


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