Under new management

Hi, I’m Joe Clark. I’ll be your Fake Ouimet for today and the foreseeable future.

The real Alphonse Ouimet, who really is one or more real persons not really named Alphonse Ouimet, really is on hiatus. But as of today, this blog isn’t.

We still need the Tea Makers because there is still shit going on with the CBC – or, as twee, rectangular-eyeglass-wearing Corpse mandarins insist on calling it, CBC/Radio-Canada. A writer on hiatus can’t very well provide coverage of that shit, so Ouimet and I brokered a deal.

The deal is I’m going to write and edit this blog for the foreseeable future. I’ll be doing it as Fake Alphonse Ouimet, or just Fake Ouimet. How can I be Fake Ouimet when I’m out, loud ’n’ proud as my real self? Because that’s the place Weblog “identity politics” are at these days. Follow along, my friends: This is almost as complicated as a Kent Staines plotline on MVP.

The person(s) behind Alphonse Ouimet adopted and retained that psudonym. Fine. But elsewhere, somebody did a bang-up job writing a blog called Fake Steve Jobs. People pulled a MeFi/Kaycee Nicole and busted a gut trying to figure out who the real Fake Steve was. (Most people assumed a single author.)

Eventually the truth was revealedFake Steve was Dan Lyons, a writer at Fortune. But then an amazingly 21st-century thing happened: Lyons kept right on blogging as Fake Steve. He wrote a book as Fake Steve. Everyone knew who he was, but they had no trouble accepting him as Fake Steve – as a real person acting as a fake real person. (Isn’t that what acting is?)

That ground has now been covered. We can’t undo those events. If I’m going to take over this blog, I can’t very well cower behind a pseudonym like some commenter on the Tea Makers. How ancien-régime would that be?

Nowadays, the only way to take the place of a pseudonymous writer is to adopt a different pseudonym and also tell everyone who you really are.

Say hello, then, to Fake Ouimet. FakeOuimetster rules Bartertown.

Nouveau régime

Now is the point in the exposition where I paraphrase Bill Maher. New rules!

  • There will be an initial flurry of posts. That pace may not be maintained. Then again, I have a to-do list of 35 items.
  • I’m gonna talk about some of my own boring CBC shit, but only some, and I’m gonna try to do it in a way that isn’t actually boring. I am not turning the Tea Makers into a CBC Captioning Sucks! blog. (Captioning does suck, but man does not live by captioning alone.)
  • There’s gonna be a separate tumblelog for links and miscellanea that don’t warrant a full post. The old Ouimet Delicious account is still active and – who knows? – may see some new entries. But my new links are kept separate – they’re over at Tumblr. (It has its own RSS.)

    See also: Twitter; Flickr photos.

  • There is E-mail: fakeouimet AT Gmail.com. I may or may not be on chat using that username. All E-mails are assumed for anonymous quotation – unless they come from any kind of official spokesperson or source, in which case mail is for attribution by default. If you don’t want to be quoted, please be an adult and ask for confidentiality before you give me the juicy details. Remember, the default is anonymity, not confidentiality, but you can ask for the latter and I’ll try not to be a dick about it.
  • And speaking of that: You are explicitly empowered to act like bloodthirsty sharks of viciousness and cruelty in the comments area – if you want. Just like old times! But this place is under new management and there are gonna be new and very thoroughly enforced limits on character assassination.

    You can thrash Stursberg’s policies into nothing more than bloody sinew and gristle if you insist, but you can’t say anything personally defamatory, cruel, or hurtful about Stursberg – or Ouimet, Tod Maffin, Strombo, Brian Mulroney, Ben Mulroney, Ivan Fecan, Jim Shaw, Allan, me, Mansbridge, or a dog named Boo or anybody else.

    I am so going to enforce this policy ruthlessly and without apology. If you work at the Corpse and we think you’re fucking up, we’re gonna say so, but what is not going to happen is tearing you to shreds as a person. I won’t allow it.

    If you think you can skirt the rules by filing an inflammatory comment that you know I’ll read and delete, thereby ensuring that I get upset in the process, well, watch out, Dr. Frink, because you’re not the only one with technology at your disposal and I can simply ban your ass for good. And I’ll do it. Be as mean as you want about issues, but leave people the fuck alone. This is for real.

    On the other hand, if you wish to act like a little angel, go right ahead. Forgive me if I don’t hold my breath.

  • Would you like to write a guest post? If it’s bigger than a breadbox and also bigger than a blog comment, you may. Send E-mail and make your case. No reasonable offer refused – but everybody gets copy-edited. That means your spelling and punctuation get cleaned up; it isn’t censorship, so don’t play that card.

How long is this gonna go on?

How the hell should I know? I just work here. We could all die tomorrow. We shall live each blogday as though it were our last. Because one day, it will be. But not today, for today is the first day of the rest of our blog.

21 comments:

  1. Anonymous
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 6:23 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Hahaha, PERFECT!

  2. Anonymous
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 6:59 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    This ought to be fun.
    At least it wasn’t Allan.

  3. Anonymous
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 9:42 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Welcome home!

  4. Kempton
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 11:22 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Excellent. I know I keep my blog subscription up for a good reason!

    Nice to meet you Mr. fake Ouimet.

  5. Allan
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 2:44 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    As always … long live joe clark.

  6. Anonymous
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Rock on Joe Clark. And don’t be shy in holding out a hat for contributions. You deserve it. Seriously.

  7. Dwight Williams
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 6:18 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    This could be entertaining.

  8. Anonymous
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 8:45 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Is this a joke?

  9. Anonymous
    Posted July 18, 2008 at 11:14 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    You are the anal guy who critiques typefaces on Flickr, right? Who authorized this one? Time to unsubscribe to this blog.
    *flush*

  10. Fake Ouimet
    Posted July 19, 2008 at 9:04 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    I do more than “critique typefaces on Flickr.” I shall not have you minimize me, sir, for verily I contain multitudes. (Strombo! He’s adorable!)

  11. Tod Maffin
    Posted July 19, 2008 at 12:08 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Hey Anonymous (1:14 a.m.),

    > "You are the anal guy who critiques
    > typefaces on Flickr, right? Who
    > authorized this one? Time to
    > unsubscribe to this blog.

    Er, actually, have you read any more than a page or two of Joe's blog?

    Say what you like about his vitriolic and acerbic (high-value Scrabble words FTW!!) writing style, he gets people thinking about the issues and, occasionally, is even right! {grin}

    (Note to self: Get back into putting ALT tags into InsideTheCBC.com images.)

    I'm looking forward to the reincarnation of the Teamakers.

    Tod

    P.S. I posted my real name with my comments. So does Joe. So does Alan. So does Dwight? So does Kempton. Why don't you?

  12. Alternative Girlfriend
    Posted July 19, 2008 at 5:26 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    I’m giddy over this!

    Welcome Fake Ouimette!!!

  13. Jack Creley as Mr. Morton
    Posted July 20, 2008 at 10:39 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Tod Maffin said:
    P.S. I posted my real name with my comments. So does Joe. So does Alan. So does Dwight? So does Kempton. Why don’t you?

    Maybe, unlike you or Joe Clark they’re CBC employees.

  14. Tod Maffin
    Posted July 20, 2008 at 10:50 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    That’s probably true.

    P.S. I’m a freelancer, not on staff. Joe – you work for CBC?!

  15. Anonymous
    Posted July 21, 2008 at 4:09 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Bonjour Monsieur Fake Ouimet,
    …a Rose by any other name…
    great so see some action here again.
    Rock On!

  16. Anonymous
    Posted July 21, 2008 at 6:24 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Enough for the formalities – let the Ouimet blog posts begin – again.
    Glad to be reading this blog again. Will somebody please post some real Tea Maker news – the first stuff posted since the Fake Ouimet re-animated this blog is kinda of weak for my cup of tea.

  17. Fake Ouimet
    Posted July 21, 2008 at 8:18 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Anonymous 8:24 (like Ezekiel 25:17): A blog is like the weather in San Francisco. If you don’t like it right now, come back in 15 minutes.

    Also: This isn’t the T. Eaton Company. I do not provide the assurance “Goods satisfactory or money refunded.”

  18. Allan
    Posted July 24, 2008 at 5:10 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    I’m out.
    In a way, my involvement here grew out of my relationship with Ouimet, and when she left my heart went with her.
    I have to admit that nothing mattered more to me here than trying to delight and surprise Ouimet, a young lady who found herself suddenly living dangerously and creatively in a whole other realm. And liking it.
    And she was very good at it. Beyond excellent in fact.
    And she got every joke, and made it a joy to be a part of something so unique and worthwhile.
    And yes, I was in love.

    Joe is doing a fine job without me.
    And really, I mean, if you can’t say anything defamatory, cruel and hurtful, why bother.

    For the record, since the day it was created, As It Happens has been my favorite radio show of all time.

    Next to The Howard Stern Show.

  19. Saskboy
    Posted July 29, 2008 at 7:07 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    I just learned of this today. At first I was totally confused.

  20. Anonymous
    Posted July 31, 2008 at 3:26 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Welcome back Fake Ouimet. I didn’t check this blog until today and I am happy I did…..

  21. Anonymous
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 8:57 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Don Murray and Patrick Brown — Canned.

    Just because they don’t work for the cbc anymore, doesn’t mean they aren’t journalists.

    They can continue to work anywhere they like.

    This is a good thing. Mr. Murray’s contributions to the network had become both rare and strange. Some stories seemed contemptuous of his audience. He has not lived in Canada for years and no longer even understood the country he was talking to.

    Mr. Brown, his offerings were just sparse. It is well known that the day the tsumai hit — Brown’s response to the assignment desk was that this was not a story — storms happen all the time.

    Sorry. Bye boys.


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