It’s Christmas somewhere


Twas’ the week before Christmas, when all through the Corpse
Not a studio was stirring, not even Tech Stores.
No decorations were hung, does anyone care?
VP Rich got his bonus, its best not to glare.

Producers with carpal issues, crammed on the 4th floor,
While visions of Geminis and Peabodys went out the door.
With supervisors in their office, management at the pub,
Calamity and indecision continued through the Hub!

When onthe Op. Ed. pages there arose such a clatter,
VP Rich was quoted “I don’t see what’s the matter.”
There’s economic uncertainty, we’ve got no cash,
”Hey if you’re leaving, do you mind hauling some trash?”

”Its tough to get things done” Hubert just didn’t know,
The snap of his fingers didn’t mean things would go.
While all the while, us employees have to wait,
For Execs to see that for every 1 of them we’re just 8.

With Battle of the Blades and Erica a fad,
Magazines have Rich saying ”See. We’re not so bad”.
With millions still not watching, we could be dead,
Maybe after Dragons Den we could schedule Herman’s Head?

“Now Hubert! Now Maryse! Now George, and Sylvain!
On, Pierre! On, Michel! On Raymond, Will and Steven!
Now lay off more staff! Now turn Toronto in to a mall!
Take cash away! Take cash away! Take cash away from all!”

No money for parking, No perks left to spare
When faced with an obstacle, no more make up and hair.
Still up to the Gastineaus the crust did fly,
Toasting champagne with no real explanation why.

And then, in a twinkle, Newsworld was gone
turns out the whole time it was being done wrong.
Chairs are dated, and the monitors were small,
Why send a camera crew, when you can Skype in the hall?

Tired and frustrated, employees are feeling unwell,
”If you’re planning on being sick we expect it on A/L”.
With staff like a skeleton and some having the flu,
Tell mom you’ll be late on Christmas, cause your work is times 2.

George got a Gemini. I thought his show was a flop!
”He’s the Stewart of Canada” Krstine must be on top! (of the world)
His droll little mouth has him cute as can be,
”Shit ratings! I didn’t know anyone watched me”.

And all the while Peter and Fred could only watch,
Remember the good ol’ days, news with cigars and scotch!
No one watches at 10, how could we do more?
Now we’ve got some nerd telling us to be in by 4!

The more we innovate the more ratings drop like a stone.
Maybe it would be best to leave it alone!
Give the crews a break, let us catch our breath,
Let the shows get traction before you manage it to death.

Rich spoke not a word, but kept straight to his work,
”Don’t tell me what to do you lil’ fuckin’ jerk!”
And lifting up his finger in front of his chest,
And giving it a thrust, up to us, the rest!

He stays in his office, his team happy to exalt,
”We need to book meetings, we need to assign fault.”
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out away,
“Happy Christmas! Just be glad for your job anyway!”

Merry Christmas Happy Holidays Everyone!
– JFM

7 comments:

  1. Anonymous
    Posted December 22, 2009 at 11:26 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Rule #1 when it comes to poetic parody: if you can’t exactly match the meter of the original exactly, don’t bloody bother.

  2. Anonymous
    Posted December 22, 2009 at 9:54 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Maybe Jian, Rick & George should be sent to Afghanistan to entertain the troops at Christmas?

  3. Anonymous
    Posted December 22, 2009 at 3:46 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    “Now you have talent. Why is it that the CBC puts all the people with talent at the back, and all the people without talent front and center? This is why the CBC is falling through the floor, and frankly Im starting to not care anymore. I wish all the employees who actually do something all the best in 2010. The rest of youF-off!”

    My experience after working at CBC Vancouver under the dumbest morons in news direction to ever go down the pipe, is that if you’re a young an attractive minority they’ll give you your own news chopper while if you’re an older, mother of two with a decent body of work they’ll send in some old crone to make your life hell until you want to leave.

    • Anonymous
      Posted December 22, 2009 at 10:30 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

      I’m starting not to care about the CBC, either. It’s all becoming like E-Talk anyway, all about pretty people and celebrities. Thanks for confirming what I’ve long suspected.

  4. inside...
    Posted December 21, 2009 at 11:23 am | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Now you have talent. Why is it that the CBC puts all the people with talent at the back, and all the people without talent front and center? This is why the CBC is falling through the floor, and frankly I’m starting to not care anymore. I wish all the employees who actually do something all the best in 2010. The rest of you…F-off!


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