The Tea Makers shutters print, broadcast divisions, goes online-only

Ever since The Tea Makers hit the street with that fateful broadsheet on April 1 1929, claiming “John Aird is Akin To A Wart-Hog,” there has been no finer place in the Dominion for commentary on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. The reportage improved, of course, after the CBC was invented, and throughout the years Canadians have come to associate The Tea Makers brand with edutainment of the highest calibre.

There have been some missteps, to be sure. It retrospect it’s clear that the audience for a program like “Allan’s Jamboree” would never be large enough to please advertisers. The advent of colour seemed to make things worse. And giving Mark Starowicz free reign and an unlimited budget for a 12-part “Tod Maffin: A Futurist’s History” miniseries proved confusing for audiences who were never sure what was the future and what was the past. And the CBC Drone’s live call-in radio show, “Drone On,” proved monotonous for listeners and was canceled after 13 years.

But there were unexpected surprises as well. Few could have predicted, when unionized Tea Makers staff were locked out in the late 70s, that Fake Ouimet’s ribald catalogue of captioning oddities would strum the nation’s heartstrings with such profundity. It became a regular feature after Casuals were euthanized and our labour disputes solved.

But times have changed and advertisers are no longer interested in our broadcast offerings. And in truth the public has moved on to their FaceSpaces and whatnot.

It’s with sadness that we announce the closing of Tea Makers Radio 1 and 2 and 3, Tea Makers-TV in English and French and Inuinnaqtun, and The Tea Makers Daily Sun newspaper. Our 24 hour cable news channel, The Tea Makers World, will survive as a weekly podcast, with Jesse Brown as sole producer, editor, writer, and reporter. Any other broadcast properties we own and may have forgotten about will also be closed.

The Tea Makers Broadcast Centre in Toronto will also be sold, and operations moved to our new headquarters in Chinatown.

Those who are left will be moving online to, save The Tea Makers Page Three Girl 16-Month Calendar division, which is still profitable and will be sold in finer bookstores across Canada. Staff at overseas bureaux will be retrained to assist our World Of Warcraft gold farming initiatives.

Apparently the Chinese character for “disaster” is also the same one used for “opportunity.” And the character for “danger” is the same one used for “user-generated content.”

It’s a brave new world and we welcome you to it, Tea Makers style!



  1. Anonymous
    Posted July 12, 2009 at 8:23 pm | #

    But who is going to change their bookmark, or notice
    [ old visual illusion

    in the
    the springtime ]

    the presence of the the there?
    If the penurious Bronfman’s couldn’t afford to buy from url rustler,*
    how can the richer Teamaker(s) cabal not buy and have to settle as the
    Bronfman pennies did with their Historica Foundation
    and THECanadian…. and use online support
    of the best use of old MacLeans **

    * Charles Bronfman’s pennies did an end-run around
    the url-squatters with,
    as the Teakamers have done with their definite article: eh? And shouldn’t
    also belong to the media empire?

    **As the Bronfman pennies can’t pay enough academics to
    update their magisterial articles. Macleans articles are used
    as part of the newness shine of any topics search, thus
    distorting the minds of little Canadian students in their
    current events essays.

    CBC assumes that students, after playing suduko and
    astrology (see most searched terms)
    etc. will find on the CBC website a relevant polemic for their essays due tomorrow.
    1. Sudoku
    2. Tuna
    3. Rick Mercer
    4. Autism
    5. Canada Reads
    6. The Hour
    7. Games
    8. Britney Spears [
    9. Weather
    10. Doctor Who

  2. Fake Ouimetjoined April 10, 2009
    Posted July 11, 2009 at 1:33 am | #

    We’™re awaiting the outcome of the Google Books settlement. They’™re supposed to be scanning and OCRing everything, but the feds might put the kibosh on it down south.

  3. Jonathan Schor
    Posted July 10, 2009 at 8:09 pm | #

    If the Teamakers started in 1929 why are the archives only back to 2005?


  4. Posted July 10, 2009 at 3:24 pm | #

    Well, this will take…all of 30 seconds to get used to.


  5. rolloffdebunk
    Posted July 9, 2009 at 9:28 pm | #

    first it was Michael Jackson’s death, then El Nino and now this! Next you’ll be telling us the world will end on Dec 21, 2012!

  6. Anon
    Posted July 9, 2009 at 8:31 pm | #

    What they really mean to say under that verbiage, they’ve got their own address and are no longer on Google’s blogspot.

  7. Fake Ouimetjoined April 10, 2009
    Posted July 9, 2009 at 11:27 am | #

    Thus far, 259 of them, Kev.

  8. Kev
    Posted July 9, 2009 at 9:56 am | #

    Sorry, different unions, so different bumping pools – one of us is in the Complainers and Moaners Guild, the other’s in the Association of Pedantic Sarcasts.

    Which is which is left as an exercise for the reader. Assuming there’s still one.

  9. Fake Ouimetjoined April 10, 2009
    Posted July 7, 2009 at 11:15 pm | #

    Guild rules allowed me to bump somebody. I’™m sure you’™ll land on your feet, Kev.

  10. Anonymous
    Posted July 7, 2009 at 10:49 pm | #

    ooh. schmancy.

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