The Tea Makers

Shalom, Alphonse!
by Oi! staff
We notice that you haven’t logged in for 4 days. Is everything all right? Should EAP be notified of an impending breakdown?
What’s that? Easter Monday, you say? Good Friday?
Our records show that you are Jewish and do not believe Jesus Christ is the messiah. Thus you were not eligible to take Monday and Friday off.
We will rectify this retroactively on your March 27th Rewards Statement (formerly known as your “Pay Cheque”).
Happy Passover!

Just Shut Up and Take the Test
by Oi! staff
Like it or not, it’s mandatory, so just shut up and take the Workplace Hazard Prevention Test. Don’t make us bother your supervisors again. Just take it. We’ll give you a certificate when you finish. The login id is FAJUMMADDADADINGDONG69 (case sensitive) and remember: your ammunition must be locked in a separate place from your firearms at all times.

Today in the Media – March 25, 2008
by Oi! staff
Here are some highlights from today’s media review. Choose between 2 formats:
1) a 300 MB Acrobat file of jagged-ass newspaper scans that will make your retinas bleed
2) a handful of web links blocked by the Globe and Mail pay wall
read more…

Your E-mail is Trying to Kill You
by the CBC Technological Steering Committee
It’s come to our attention that you have too many emails. Where other media organizations might solve this by sending someone to Best Buy to get something to store emails, the CBC has resolved the issue by creating a technology steering committee.
We’ve come to the conclusion that this is not a technology problem. Basically it’s your fault.
And your email is now trying to kill you.
Remember when we told you that ATI was coming and it was urgent that you keep all your emails? Okay, forget about that. Now it’s urgent that you get rid of them. All of them.
Rest assured, this problem has been branded. In 2 languages. Graphic designers have been hired. No doubt you’ve seen the posters. We’ve purchased Novell DeleteWise, an innovative program that deletes emails.
Over the coming weeks we will email you with Technology Steering Committee milestones. Note to wiseacres: these emails are not to be deleted.
read more…

The Underscores in Your Email Address Are Trying To Kill You
by the Underscores in CBC Email Addresses Subcommittee
Hello again. We’re the same guys from the CBC Technological Steering Committee. We’ve determined that for no apparent reason whatsoever, everyone in the corporation needs to change their email addresses to get rid of underscores.
How we ever survived for so long with underscores in our email addresses, only Jesus Christ, our one true messiah, knows the answer.
Speaking of Him, employees are encouraged to adopt short, 2-word names. Preferably from the Bible. If you don’t have one, one will be assigned to you.
So for example, the employee formerly known as zhang_wei_hsui_wong@cbc.ca can now be emailed at mary.magdalene@cbc.ca.
read more…