Leaked: CTV “Goldmine”

At the CBC we have an internal newsletter called “The Grapevine” which is chock full of, er…. Ok you got me. I never read it. But it turns out that CTV has a similar publication, called “The Goldmine” leaked to me by a gruntled CTV employee. I had to pay $12 for it, but I outbid the lame-o Alliance Atlantis blogger.
Enjoy!
~O


TO: All CTV Staff
FROM: Net Pub Eng
SUBJECT: The Goldmine
DATE: Thursday November 9, 2006 4:48:27 PM

THE GOLDMINE
Ahhh, The Goldmine — CTV programs, online programming…good, good stuff… BTW, you should be seeing a fancy banner and some colour here. If not, please click the “View” tab, just a little bit north of here. Then, click the HTML option. See, much better…

THE GOLD-PLATED DESKS ARE IN
Thanks to the wealth of Government grants, subsidies, and tax credits our industry received this year, we can finally afford those gold-plated desks we’ve always wanted. There was the the $330,000,000 we got from Bill C-58, the $80,000,000 we got in advertising incentives, the $140,000,000 we got in TV production tax credits, and the $100,000,000 we got from the Canadian Television Fund. So stop in at shipping/receiving and bring your platinum dolly!
Thanks, Canada!

HEADSPACE™ PILOT PROJECT BEGINS IN TORONTO
As part of our commitment to on-demand programming giving Canadians what they want, when they want it, Headspace™ is now available in the GTA. Customers only need to think the word ‘lost,” and we will remotely broadcast the latest episode of the hit series directly to their crania and add an $8.50 surcharge to their Bell Mobility bill. In the unlikely chance they weren’t thinking about the hit ABC series, they can easily opt out by thinking “I wish to opt out of this episode of the hit ABC series Lost,” within the first 15 seconds of broadcast, or by using “air quotes” with their hands as they think the word.
So tell your friends to get Lost! On demand!

PRE-ORDER YOUR HOCKEY EVENING IN CANADA JACKET
In anticipation for the 2008-09 hockey season, we are now accepting pre-orders for Hockey Evening In Canada 2-tone varsity letterman jackets. Sizes come in “Small,” “Medium,” “Large,” “X-large,” and “Executive.”
Order yours today!

MTV LIVE TICKET GIVEAWAY
Frank Zaapa once said: “Text messaging about music is like dancing about architecture.” But what did he know? We’ve got tickets to the hottest music show without music in town, and we’re giving them away! MTV Live Hacked is where the kids (and Daryn Jones) jabber on about music face to face, on the phone, by e-mail, on webcams, through instant messaging, all without a lick of music. And we’ve got tix!
Please, please take them!

JOHNNY AND ANDIE ARE WAITING FOR SUBMISSIONS
Submissions to John Doyle and Andrew Ryan of your TV bombs and embarrassments that need to be avoided and sidestepped in the new “7” TV section of the Globe and Mail are due on Thursday morning. If not received, both of them will re-re-re-re-review the eminently newsworthy ABC flop The One, simulcast by CBC-TV, which moved the National in some parts of the country last summer.
Remember that? What Losers!

HARVEY “BIC” MCHARDY NEW DIRECTOR OF CHEQUE SIGNING
We’re pleased to announce the appointment of Harvey “Bic” McHardy as the director of our Cheque Signing division. As most of you know, Cheque Signing is arguably the most important department in CTV, as they are responsible for writing the cheques to the American Networks which give us all our programming. The job of Director is a demanding one, as he is required to convert currency from $Cdn to $US but rarely the other way around.
Great to have you aboard, Harvey!

THE CRTC’S GOT GAS
Corner Gas, that is! More specifically, our application for The Corner Gas Channel, which, if approved, will give Canadians even more chances to watch those lovable denizens of Dog River buy gas and whatnot, 24 hours a day!
Remember: at the next CRTC hearing, the one who smelt it, dealt it!

CTV CONTINUES ITS COMMITMENT TO CANADIAN-MADE AMERICAN DRAMA WITH CSI:MIAMI
Hats off to Canadian Walter Greer, one of the original writers for Sue Thomas F.B.Eye in 2002, who pitched various things to us over the years which we had to pass on due to a lack of funds, before he landed a job on the highly topical Train 48 before it was cancelled, has chucked it all in and moved to the states to be a Production Assistant for CSI:Miami, a now Canadian Made show CTV is happy to support week after week on Mondays at 10pm.
Congratulations, Jeff, and congratulations CTV!

5 comments:

  1. Johnny Happypants
    Posted November 14, 2006 at 8:25 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Oops. Sorry. My mom just told me it was CTV we were watching. Sorry.

  2. Johnny Happypants
    Posted November 14, 2006 at 4:39 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Congrats to CBC on their fine municipal election coverage across Ontario. It was great to see our beat reporters on the job making an uninteresting story riveting. If this is News Renewal, I want to be part of it.

  3. Anonymous
    Posted November 13, 2006 at 10:25 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    Hmm.

  4. P
    Posted November 13, 2006 at 1:32 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    That was a riot, Ouimet! Funny even if you don’t read The Grapevine, funnier if you do.

  5. Anonymous
    Posted November 13, 2006 at 12:07 pm | # | Reply to this masterpiece

    CTV Blooper

    How embarrassing this past Saturday night the CTV News person announced the Poppy Day Veteran segment as the 11th hour of the 11th month of the 11th year!


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