Like my grandma always say, “Partrice, ton inbox. c’est plein de fan-mail!”

And was she ever right. Some real ‘gems’  (pard0n tha #punzz) have landed in my toujours uber.hyp3r.stuffd inBox. Kud0s to CBCer’s from coast to coast for the insites, insights and inside dizz-0pe. Here are just a c0uple ov recent x-missions!

Sicko Toront-oid Pollutes Arctic Printer

Hi Patrice,

I just wanted hedz-up you that you guys are going to see some tickets coming in from us soon.

Ever since they published that ‘how-to-print to any printer’ thing on the Official CBC Blog, some cretin from Toronto keeps sending print jobs up here as some kind of sick joke. Really twisted stuff that I don’t even want to describe via e-mail. And publicity shots of Louis Del Grande, which was kind of funny the first 46 times times it happened.

Well, gotta go load up the Pitney-Bowes LaserStar 8500 with another ream before more of these hipster antics trip the out-of-paper siren. You could write a Great Eastern sketch about some of the over-engineered gadgets they custom-built for us up here.

All the best,
Conrad X
Iqaluit

One of CBC North's Infamous 188 decibel paper sirens

Chère Comrade Conrad,

This kind of Sèan Cullen style tomf00lery might fly south of 60, but it’s just like being jabbed with a huge narwhal horn when that out ov papR alarm gets tripped. They really did over-build a lot of stuff up there, eh? A thr0wback to a more rugged, robustly funded and, let’s face it, dweeb-centric CBC. I’ll start cooking up s0me gee-0h fenced algo-riddims right now to bl0ck that cr33p!
And to whoever is sending those sketchy print jobs, you need a looser f1tting pair ov skinny jeans, ‘cos all ur pants are cut off tha circulation 2 ur brain!

Patrice inspires a youngster dying of boredom

Haxx0r youR northStar like the c0mmand center it was designed 2 be!

[This waz sent via Groupwise on Bring Our Kids to Work Day, from inside the TBC. Name withheled to protect the kid and his Mother]
yo PatRice – got any good HAxx 4 northStar MEridian voiceMail? you got tha hookupz guy?!?! – ur pal, markUpKid

Actually, it’s great to see a junior CBCer get into the systemz around here! It reminds me of my own internship in the old Maison des Micro-Ondes location in Sherbrooke, where I cleaned headsets and learned how to make magic with tha wireZ and gutZ and shared dryveZ and in-house APpZ ov tha infoMAtrix{}!

Check out this .txt f1le of how to call y0r NorthStar phone using a Studer a80 tape machine, a slide projector, and some old wordPerfect codes. The x-Pansion paCK v2.134 triggers TBC mailbot Rasputin into conferencing thru 2 Denise Donlon’s local #X-tenShun, then using the House of Commons Translation service to publish a transcript via WebWriter! thaT should keep you busy until lunch or 3Ven l8r!

A schematic is aTTached, too. ur Mom might need it for tha d1sc1pl1nary hearing!

!– #C0NT3NT Kon-TEst ALERT — ASCII WARZ! –!
I think that this is the first contest 3ver on TeaMakerz! U can WIN a free lrg bag ov Hickory Sticks, just by sending in the coolest CBC-related ASCII art!

Send your ASCII creationZ (maxfile 1MB)
to:

patrice.nortel [ at ] gmail.com
Well, that’s it for now, infoDude(tte)s. You can allwaYz ch3ck m3 in tha info-TunnelZ!

Sorry for the trillion nanosecond delay! I’ve been so swamped answering all your fanMail that I’ve barely found the time to spell out SHELL OIL or BOOBLESS on this old upside-down calculator we call Teamkers! Anyway, here’s the latest scoops and bloops, converted to unicode for your consideration!

Twittr is teh suXor!

I was pretty excited to join all you twing-ers out there in dataland. I’m still trying to figure out what Twitter is good for. It keeps asking me “What are you doing right now”? So half the time, I just type “eating Hickory Sticks” or “updating this Twitter.”

Just when I was pondering that this Twitter thing is the crappiest BBS ever, some guy stole my profile! I think I’m gonna go back to indexing that collection of 438 μMatic videotapes. Until then … http://twitter.com/patricenortel . The other jerk posts at http://twitter.com/patricenortle (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS LINK!)

New Feature: Patrice ‘From the Log Files’ Coming soon!

Did you know that back in the day, Tea Makers founder and super-insider Ouimet was being hunted down ruthlessly by IT and Senior Management? Now it can be told! Stay tuned for my full-length interview with Oumie herself. I also get some hot insider data from an IT sleuth who would only identify himself as “Capitaine Crouche.” Here’s a ’ti-preview …

PN: So, you’re saying that that consent screen you get when you sign into your work computer was designed to ensnare Ouimet?

CC: The login screen was called the Vista Project. They started work on it as soon as they found the blog. After 18 months of overtime and millions of dollars in on-call premiums, we had a way to snoop through anyone’s browser history. We also hired a bunch of moles in various departments where we were sure Ouimet worked, like the Carpentry Shop, TV Lighting maintenance, and others.

PN: Whoa.

CC: Let’s just say, we had full reports printed, inter-office faxed then photocopied to 11×17 format bundles for senior team every morning. This was so important, they almost made finding Ouimet a PARC priority.

ASCII CORNER

Belleville regional webmaster John-Larouche-Bilnch sends the following awesome creation for your perusal …

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Well, it was supposed to be the GEM logo. Back to my terminal to fix this. Whoops.

Keep sending those e-mails, fans! All ur bAse arE bel0ng to ME! PATRICE OUT! >>>EOB //[end of blog]

Aloha #nerds, @nerdettes and 1eetSpeekrz alike! Patrice Nortel here, freshly drafted by Ouimet to hit the Teamakers technology beat! OK, here goes …

More @Penne Noodles in #Styrofoam Please!

Looks like every Toronto CBCer’s favourite place to meet and eat is moving into that big cyber-atrium we call the web. OOH LA LA is now on Twitter!

The site is still in beta right now. Looks like it’s being built offshore. You can get a sneak peek here:

http://twitter.com/oohlala

Once they finally unroll this thing, I’ll be checking every 10 minutes to see what kind of toppings the producers of Tapestry get on their bagels!

CBC Museum Relocating to CD-ROM

Nowadays, saving a few dollars on real estate costs is a helpful step in keeping us all around, enthused, and quietly plotting to bump 25-year old casuals back to the soup lines.

Explore nearly 75 years of innovative, challenging and mostly English-accented on-air poo-pooing the quick and easy way. These richly documented folders of JPEG images have been carefully indexed and resized by archivists at the Corp for viewing on just about any PC.

Travel back in the CBC time machine to a golden era when radio careers started – not ended – with razor blades and hallucinations!

IO WTF?

A CBCer writes:

Patrice, I really want to watch the io! portal video streams for all these important meetings of late. Every time I click on the link, I just get a blank, busted page. Any quick tips to get this working?
- Static in Saskatoon

Hey Static – don’t get in a tizzy – just remember that we’re not simply making a web page link to a video. More, we are striving to deliver a rich media user experience across a world-wide, in-house broadband network-enabled and supported microcomputer system.

As my grandmother used to say “you can’t pick your nose and expect to pull out a raisin!”

With io!, you can pull out raisins every day! This handy link should make it all a LOT simpler for the next announcement … jot it down on a post-it so you don’t forget.

https://portals/portal/intranet/new_Document/io/Microsoft Shared Data Objects/rich-content/media/logiciels/doc!Root/../_~Shared Microsoft Media/Context/io/Media/—Carnovale_cellPhone/#/Server/TORNWS/pub/scope/My Documents and Settings/Solitaire/—webclips/assets/programs/network/io/io/io/stream 99203049– –2920494920HXSKDIIWJ@H#.aspx

Well, that’s about it for now. Keep sending in those tough tech questions and scorching bits of gossip from inside the CBC firewall to patrice.nortel@gmail.com. Full anonymity/pseudonimity is guaranteed!